Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
