I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I will pee on everything he values.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
