You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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