i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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