So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
