I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
