no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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