John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
