I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
PANTIES FOUND
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