I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
