Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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