And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
