Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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