I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
