Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
