Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need water and some morals
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
