Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
