i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize