Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
