Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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