the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
