Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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