He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
