she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
