im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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