She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize