I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
