I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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