the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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