ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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