I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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