its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
