I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
