if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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