So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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