3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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