I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
