After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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