I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
