I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
