My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize