I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
