life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
