Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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