Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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