if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
