you're like a bully in the Christmas story
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
