There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
