there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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