Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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