That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
