If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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