My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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