So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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