Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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