how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
