:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I need to sanitize my soul.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
