I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Ladies don't puke and tell
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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